9th Day of Recovery

Another day in Penang. Going to find my grandpa later after an hour and pray. My grandpa also pass away few years back. After that, free and easy day for me until tomorrow morning where we will collect my grandma ashes and bones and put into the jar.

I will visit some friends this afternoon to catch up. But I still have lots of pending works to do. So tired actually. Really really tired. Why did I screwed everything up? If you were here, then at least you can share some of my burdens with me. Relationship, family, work, all this 3 really killing me since the first day of the year. But don't worry, I never blame you for the problems I have created with us. For now, as long as you are happy. Even love you like this is good enough for me. Nobody knows that I still love you so much and keeping this blog active and looking at our photos and videos everyday. Nobody knows about it. All my friends and colleagues thought I have gotten over you and forgotten you.

Guess my acting skills are really good. But today is Sunday. I shouldn't be so emo again. I have promise you that I will live my life to the best in order not to disappoint you and change myself for the best of you and me. I am a completely different guy than you know earlier. Not completely different. Daughter still here. Just the characters you don't like because I finally understand how to make a relationship last and loving always. I don't have the chance now and in the future but understanding it makes me feel good enough. At least now I can understand it better on how to keep a relationship alive.

I will always love you and hope and pray for your happiness always. Whenever you face any roadblocks or walls in your life, remember, you can always come to me. I will have no questions on your past and will accept it openly and just lend you my ear and shoulder and accompany you until you go thru your hard times. You are never alone even though everyone else left. I will be here baby. Always and forever. Your guardian angel.

Take care and have a good Sunday with your friends, lover and family.

I love you always and forever my beloved baby Ashley.

The end of 8th Day - Super exhausted + some photos

It was really a crazy day for me. Have stayed awake for more than 40 hours now. After dinner with the family and crazily babysitting the for the whole night. I have put some photos up here for you to see, if you still view this blog once in a while.

The funeral ceremony - sending my grandma off

 Below are some of the photos of my cousins when we have our dinner at KFC. Sorry, the quality of the photos are bad, i didn't use my DSLR camera. Just using the Iphone and the kids are all moving around, running and screaming like mad.

My nephew - His name is Oscar

Sedang Merajuk - so many ppl looking at him

My cousin is the smaller one. He is scared of my nephew because he is bigger size but both same age!!. But my nephew wanted to hug him.

My mum's side family member. Big right. Still got some on the right can't take all. The one standing with dots on her shirt is my mum.

My another pretty cousin

Nephew and cousins playing

She is camera shy. Another cousin

Another boy cousin

He is very cute and at 2 years old, he can speak and talk in English!!

It was really a tiring night. But ended up quite well. At least my mum is ok. After the dinner, I went out with my friends for a drink as they said I seldom come back and need to go back soon. So I just drink and when I am home, I was too tired and just lie down and fall asleep. Forgotten to write this post earlier.

Anyway, my words in all my post area nearly the same in the end. I just hope you enjoyed yourself today and Sunday as well. I always misses you and wanted to see you. But I know that it will never happen again. You have your own life now with your new bf.

I wish you all the happiness and just let all the sadness be with me. I love you always my beloved baby Ashley. You are always forever in my heart and mind.

I love you forever and ever. Have a good rest.

My grandmother is no longer here

Finally the whole long ceremony has ended. I am so damn tired. Looks like a zombie now. My grandma was lift away at 3pm today after the whole ceremony started at 2pm. We had a long walk to somewhere where we boarded the bus to the place where my grandma will be burn into ashes and laid to rest forever.

Before 2pm, my mum cried so badly and my heart felt so sad and pain seeing her like this. She was unable to accept her death at the last minute. She keep crying and have no energy to stand at all. She nearly fainted. But luckily we hold her up and walk her away. Sigh.. Life is like this. Ups and downs always and we can't avoid life and death. I just feel so sad at that time. And all of us cried when they finally wanted to close the coffin for delivery and final ceremony.

It's now nearly 7pm and I just reach home and never slept at all. Need to bath then head out for dinner with the family members and my grandma left some stuff for us which will be divided later during the dinner. I will miss you so much my beloved grandma. It's not until the very last minute that all the memories of us flashes in my mind that you were always caring about me and worry about me whenever I come back to Penang. I really misses you now. I should have come back often to see you and accompany you whenever I have the time. Anyway, at least she should be happy now.

So, how is your day today? Shopping? Hanging out with friends? Hanging out with him? Movies? Drinking? Or some outdoor activities? But whatever you do, just do it happily ok. As long as your happy, then I will be happy. I also missed you so so much.

But whatever love I had for you now can only be the kind of love that I can dream of in the future. Just hope for the best to you and your family. I love you always my beloved baby. Looking at our sweet photos and videos again. This memories will definitely last forever.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the night. I have taken some photos of the funeral but not sure if it's appropriate to even post it up. Will choose the photos that you can't see my grandma face or any of my family members face. To avoid any "pantang".

I love you forever and ever Ashley baby..

8th Day of Recovery

Good morning!! I am like a walking zombie now. Feeling so dead and lifeless. Has been staying up whole night till now. And after driving so many hours back Penang. Guess after the cremation, I will sleep for the whole day.

Yesterday whole night, I keep looking at my grandma coffin and her face. She look very peaceful and I am happy for that. At least really no more sufferings anymore. Played with my cousin. Can you believe he is actually my cousin!!!! Sigh, I am a very old cousin for him. The other one feeding him is my cousin too..

Anyway, my same old basic habits, in the morning I am surely looking at our photos for a while. Same before I sleep. But of course, I didn't sleep whole night and just working, accompanying my grandma, and looking at our photos.

I miss you so much. How are you going to finish your weekend? I hope you have great activities for today and tomorrow. Enjoy yourself today. I love you so much. I wish you were with me now. We are nearly 1 family. Guess, things are always not in our control.

I love you so much my baby Ashley. Time definitely never reduce my love to you or stop me from thinking of you. I will always and forever be with you secretly and patiently waiting for you. Careful in the things you do and always take care of your health ok. Stay healthy and pretty always.

The end of 7th Day - Tiring journey and keeping our memory forever

I reached home and have done the prayer for my grandma. Will be cremating her at 2pm later. Had my dinner at my house and headed straight to my grandma house. Tonight going to be a long night for me as I will be staying up whole day till after the cremation. My work will never be done. Last time, no matter how busy, I still spend my hours with you at night. I notice how wrong is that because I never thought about your freedom at all. Thinking back about it makes me felt guilty that I have taken away your freedom.

Anyway, just now when reaching penang bridge nearly had an accident. The stupid white car next to me bang onto a motorcycle in front of me and nearly causes him to fall. Luckily he can hold his balance. If not, I think i will bang straight to the motorcycle when he fall. So scary. Stupid car. Just came from beside and turn so fast without braking. Damn no brain. I don't want to be a killer.

Along the journey keep listening to our favourite songs. Burned them into a DVD and just keep playing. It makes me feel relax and happy when thinking of you. I finally can let go of the pain that once plagued and haunted me for so long. Now, I don't think of whether we will get back or not anymore. Just thinking of whether you are happy with him or not. The rest, I just leave it aside and focus on myself instead. I finally can control myself not to message you or disturb you. You know it was never easy. Especially when there is message, I keep hoping it's you although I know basically, it's impossible.

But anyway, glad that I am recovering slowly. Now all that's left of you in me is just the true love and also the sweet memories you have left behind for me. Although it's a short 10 months, but it's enough for me to remember for the rest of my life. I am compiling our love life into a story slowly and make an album out of it. Writing stories along the way. People might think I am crazy and you might think this boy is so childish doing things like this. But 10 years later, you will think differently. Memories fade if there is nothing to be seen, pictures got deleted accidentally, phones got stolen, external, pendrives and laptops got corrupted and everything gone. What will be left is just the hard copy of memories and this blog which will stay for a very long period of time. Thanks for being part of my life even though it's a short 10 months. I feel really happy although you don't.

Today is gone and tomorrow is a new day for me again to go thru. I think I am doing fine for now. This year is definitely a crazy year for since the first day of it. Bad things never stop coming. I hope this will be the last and after this, things will go better for me and everything will be smooth.

I also will pray for your smooth journey in your life with him. May you both live happily ever after lovingly. I may not be the one but I will not be selfish in my love to own you. You should have your own happiness and I shouldn't do anything to stop you from finding it. Now that you have found it, I really feel happy for you. I hope that you will treasure the people around you. I will just be here waiting for you and will be here for you when everyone else left you. You will never be alone for sure.

I love you always and forever. Will always pray for you and your family. Goodnight my dear Ashley. May sweet dreams and happiness be with you always. Take care....

Dream Marriage - Dylan & Ashley

My dream is always to marry the girl I love very much. And it happens to be you. The girl I met in the bus. 2 months ago, it was never a dream. But now, everything is just like a big dream for me. You were the best gf I can ever asked for in every way. Despite you having a bf now, I don't mind loving you like this and I started to feel more relax from the love I had for you.

Dream is always a dream. I just hope that you can marry the guy whom you really loved very much.

Take care my baby Ashley. Forever my one true love.

7th Day of Recovery

Good morning... Later will be another tiring journey back to Penang. To see my beloved grandma for the final time before she was cremated and finally can rest in peace and happily with my grandpa. I will miss you definitely and sorry for couldn't come back earlier. Too many works in hand and there is 1 special event with FIFA next week. Really stress.

Despite all the crazy dramas and politics happening in the office lately, I am glad that I decided to leave and just have a break in my life before starting everything all over again. I just wish I could share this with you. I really wish my life evolves around you. Nothing is definitely more important than you. I will protect you for the rest of my life. That's for sure.

After you started with him and it's one week now that you both are officially together, I realise that whatever I said is actually true and not just temporally feelings. I am really in love with you. But just couldn't do anything. My sincere hope is really to see you happy with him and just wait for you. I know you will never return and possibly very happy with him but I couldn't care much. I just can't open my heart and go after another girl. Not even the possibility of doing it. I am really tired with my life here in KL. I made few wonderful new friends but they were just friends in the end. Nothing more than that. You are still part of my life. This statement is really true;

It takes a sec to have a crush on someone, a minute to like someone and an hour to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

If you truly fall in love, you will never forget him/her. And you will never try to erase those memories or even replace it because just nobody else will be able to give you the same feeling that person gives. Even though my friend are very kind to me. Massage for me, cook for me, keep accompanying me, but they will never give me the feelings that you once did.

You may have already forgotten me by now, forgotten our love, accepted him and love him fully, our things, videos of our photos, our songs, and things might be slowly buried into the inner part of your unused mind and heart. But even if you forget me one day, and even if you walk pass me one day and unable to recognise me, I will still love you until the end the world and my life.

I hope you don't think I am crazy, or insane anymore for loving you like this.

I will always love you forever and ever. Have a nice day and take care of you meal and health. Remember to eat and drink more juices. Please follow up on your medical check up and with Dr Delaila. She is a good Dr. Ask him to bring you go please. I want you to be very healthy. Have a good working day. Weekend coming. Enjoy yourself.