14th Day of Recovery

Dear Baby Ashley, today mark 2 weeks of recovery and also 2 weeks of your anniversary with him. I sincerely hope you and him will have 1 month, 1 year and 10 years ahead of you. Suddenly, in the office, my tears nearly roll down. But just hold it back with a deep breath while saying this. I have not felt this for some days now since you with him but saying that sentence out really feel some pain. Especially to you. Like the truth about love. The most painful lie is wishing the girl you love happy with someone else. But still I have to hold the pain and sincerely wish you all the happiness with him.

I am still very busy with the last day of my workshop. Then tomorrow will have a short vacation on an island again away from the busy city area and the painful life as well. Hope things goes well at the end of my event today. I just received the official from FIFA a moment ago and just had about 5 minutes to quickly post this. I already made a promise to myself to update this blog no matter how busy I am. And also to take some time to think of you and remember you. I misses you so much now.. Sigh....

I have to go now to finish the second half of my event and then have a good outing with friends tonight. Really need some time off to do some stuff for my own.

Baby, always remember, even the world seems to come to an end to you, even if you feel that nothing goes right, you will always have me to support you and also to make things right again for you. My love to you will never change. I will always be protecting you forever and ever. I love you always baby.

Please take care of yourself and have a nice working day today. Weekend is coming soon. Hope you enjoy it too with him. I really hope to turn back time so we could be together again. But it's basically impossible and i have to stop dreaming and face the reality. Remember to take your lunch and also to take care of your health.

Love you always and forever.... Distance, time, and any obstacles can never take away my love to you. As long as you are happy. I will be happy.

The end of 13th Day - Exciting day

Today is a very exciting and fun day for me. Having mixed with over 40 producers, directors, cameraman in over 20 different countries to cover a real life football match in Shah Alam Stadium. We covered the Malaysia President Cup between Selangor and Terrenganu. Quite a boring match but the feelings with those international participants is just great.

But really tiring at the same time. I hope to be able to share my joy and excitement with you about this. We use to talk about things like this as well. But sharing it here is also the same. As only you might be reading, or might not but I will just share it as well. I played the switcher today and became the director for the live football coverage for 20 mins. It was really a good experience but really funny as well because it was my first time directing and switching the football match in an OB Van provided by ASTRO. I am really happy today and you are the first one I really wanted to share it with.

It has been nearly 10 days since we last message each other. I am trying not to communicate with you anymore and let you lead a normal and happy life with him. And I think, in this regards, I manage to do it. Loving you and not hurting you is my main priority forever after learning the hardest to cope experience and feelings in my life. I will never forget the day we broke up as well and the reasons behind it. Because of the same reason, I manage to wake up stronger than ever and be who I always wanted to be in the future.

I missed you so much now. Feel like hugging you. And really feel like seeing you. I use to hold your hands every time I drive my car. Now sometimes, I just put my hand on the seat next to me and look at it. Because it reminds me of how I always hold your hand. And how you always say "Ni hen Cute, Quo lai and kiss me" Sigh.. Thinking of it, seems like he is the one getting all this attention now. Feel a bit pain and sad in the heart now. But it's ok. I will overcome this slowly but not instantly.

I love you always baby forever and for a thousands years more to come. Please remember to take care of your health and drink more fruit juices ya. See a doctor also when you're free. Good night and sweet dreams.

PS: please allow Ashley baby to come into my dream tonight. I wanted to see son and daughter again tonight in my dream. Love you always.

13th Day of Recover

The day for recovery and the days we have broken up till now keep on going longer and longer. I don't know now what recovery really means to me. Is it totally forgotten about you, totally don't think of you anymore, totally don't love you, totally moved on? I think for me, recovery is just to tell myself that love is something miracle, you can love somebody from far but doesn't necessary need to own them or be with them. This is what you thought me. The other party may not love you anymore and happily with another guy but you can still love them and be happy about it. This will be the ultimate recovery that I hope to achieve.

Today will be another busy day for me. Going to the hotel to meet the participants for breakfast and then going to shah alam stadium to cover a live football production. Interesting day for me too.

I wonder how you will pass your days and also your doctors? Really missed the days when you talked and complained for 2 hours every day about your work, hospitals and doctors. I am really an idiot and asshole for losing you when I once had the chance to be with you forever and probably in the next few days or weeks, happily engaged.

I wonder how my ring is right now. Hope that you can place it together with son for the moment or at least tie a string to our son. Everything about you from your toes up till your hair, I will never forget. And everything wonderful about our memories, will stay with me forever.

I love you always and forever. Please take care of yourself. I am planning for a Europe trip during your birthday. It was suppose to be with you. But I will go alone. Planning to get your birthday present there. Although we are not together, I will still always treat you as someone very special in my heart. The only girl I love. I know you like Chanel. Will visit Paris for that. Your birthday, you might be happily celebrating it with him and your friends. I will be alone celebrating it with you in my mind in a foreign country. I will not be in Malaysia that time but will mail your present to you.

I love you always baby. A thousand years song is the song I never failed to listen every single day because I played our video everyday. Take care and have a great working day today. Let us both gambatte for our future and hope that both our wishes will come true. I will pray for you and your family as always.

The end of 12th Day - My nail is gone

I was so tired that immediately when I came home, I just fell asleep. Thus this post was a bit late. Yesterday night I injured my finger and my nail immediately got broken up till my flesh. Haiz.. Stupid door..

 Anyway, it was a good sleep and I dream of you. But the dream was a little unclear and blurry at the same time. But I was happy and glad that at least you came into my dream. You know, I have never loved someone like how I loved you before. It's already 9 weeks. And you are still so clearly in my mind every single day when I wake up, in the middle of the day, and before I sleep and even during my sleep.

How I wish I could see you again, give you a hug, a warm kiss and just do the things we use to do together again. Don't worry, this was all just a dream and just a hope. It will never happen. Plus, you may be very happy with him now and have forgotten me. But I don't mind really. If you are happy, then I am happy.

The blurry dream was actually about us making love. You know how much we both enjoyed making love when together. To be completely honest with you, I will never touch any other girls again in my life. Except for you. You have changed me completely and make me understand some principals and concepts and philosophies in life that I never did before. All my promises to you will remain forever.

I love you always and forever my baby girl. This sentence will always be on every post of mine in this blog. Have a sweet dreams.

My family

Half an hour more towards the end of my event today. It runs really well with everything prepared thanks to all the support from my colleague. Mainly, I just want to thank you for giving me the chance to experience true love. It really gives me a lot of strength and courage to move on and to work even harder for my future. Thanks to you my beloved baby.

My family members

Suddenly I would like to show you the photo of my family which we took on Sunday. My mum, dad and my 2 sis and her husband is there as well. And also together with my mum's side brothers and also their wife and children.

They are all my mum's side family members. Big is it. Actually there are a few more that didn't make it to this lunch. You can guess which one is my sister and also my youngest one which looks like a tomboy. Haha. Guess my dad and mum also if you are looking at this blog.

But anyway, can't type more. I really misses you and hope you are happy with your work today. You also will be finishing work soon or maybe busy with OT but just enjoy your life ok. You are meant to be enjoying it. Tonight I will be having dinner with the delegates. After that might have drink with some of the delegates.

I love you always baby. You are my gem in the past, present and also in the future if I ever have the chance to wait for your return. Take care.. Remember to take care of your health and also more fruit juices.

12th Day of Recovery

My event finally up and running now. The trainers are doing the trainings now and I can rest for a while and reply my emails. Really tired. Only had about 1 hour of sleep. Sigh..

I hope you are doing great in your job. My recovery so far is doing great. But as I keep saying repeatedly, I will honour my promises to you. I don't want you to say that I keep changing but actually I am not. The reason I keep changing is because of you and him. But like I say, once it's confirm, I will leave you both alone.

I really loved you. That's the truth about me and you. But nothing I can do now. I will just concentrate on my work.

I will heading to a weekend vacation with my friends just to relax myself after my event which will end on Friday. I have postpone the Japan trip because of my grandma sudden death as I will need to go back 1 more time next week. So the trip is now postpone. You don't have to worry about it and just concentrate on your work. I will go alone and just burn your ticket if they cannot cancel and refund me.

I love you always and forever. Enjoy your work and hope that you are happy with him always.

The end of 11th Day - 4 am now

It's already 4 am. I just got back home after a long tiring day at work because of the FIFA event. Still I need to wake up at 6.30 to be in the office at 7 and the hotel and 8 to welcome the delegates. It's so damn tiring.

But yet, you are still in my mind as always. Never left me not even for a single day. I guess, you really motivate me in a way. It doesn't matter if you are with who now, and definitely not with me, but I will always fight my career for you. I will still work hard, build a name for myself in the industry and retire by 36. By then, if you are not with me, you might be happily married. I will still be very happy for you.

Today at work, while doing my things, suddenly very funny because I am like having sudden thought and dream about our kids. To be honest, I really really misses your 3 nephews. And also I will miss how our kids will look like in the future. This profile picture I put in this blog will always remind me of how happy we can actually be if I trusted you and give you more freedom and stop being an idiot and more mature. Too bad, the damages are done and even though now I change, you will not come back. I can just accept this and already did openly.

Now, I just hope that everything goes well in my life and no more screwed ups. Let all the past be past and just remember the happy things that we once gone thru together. I will always cherish that. At the same time, collecting all our photos to be made into a big photo collage.. I just want to keep it beautiful.

Am I stupid for loving you like this? Will you think I am stupid? For me, I just think that love is not stupid or not clever, not right or wrong, it's only the purity and sincerity of the love that matters the most to me. And i can feel it straight from my heart how I felt about you.

I will always loves you and protect you from whatever harm you might be. I wish to deliver daughter to you soon. Whenever you are ready, just let me know. We don't have to meet. Just allow me to drop it at your car anywhere. Then I will leave.

Baby, you are the best. Always remember this. I may not appreciate you last time, but definitely now, you are my everything. I just simply love you very very much. More than words can say and describe. It will never change for a thousand years to come or many more thousand years. Don't let anyone take advantage of you. I know you are capable of protecting yourself. Stay happy always and if you needed me, remember, just a call away.

This blog will always be active to update my daily activities and love towards you. I love you always. Have a good night sleep and hope that the angel of dreams will be with you and give you sweet wonderful dreams.

Still in the office!!! - I miss you

I am still in the office. Really work keep coming and coming. But anyway, thank god I am leaving. Great experience, but no future. My colleague says that when I tender my resignation end of this month, my boss might promote me and give me a counter offer. Let's just hear about it. But still, my decision is to leave unless he can give me an irresistible offer.

Tomorrow is the first day of my big event in ABU and also in Asia-Pacific. Partnership with FIFA and the Host Broadcasting arm of FIFA (HBS). It's really great to meet the big names in FIFA and working with them directly. But also a busy and tiring day for me because of the only person in the department doing all the job after my director and secretary left.

Despite all this busy moment, I always takes time to think of you, while doing my emails, while meeting and talking to people, my mind sometimes flashes images of you and the moments we are together. I really misses all that.

Anyway, I hope my event is a big success. Not for my company but for the future of my career in the sports broadcasting industry.

I love you baby, for now, I will just focus on my career. I hope you are living a happy life now with him. I misses you so much. And loves you so much too. Just always keep this in mind, despite my busy time and despite that you are with him now and we have broken up, I will still always be by your side no matter what happen to you. Like I said before in my previous post.

"You may meet people better than me, more mature than me, more handsome/clever than me, treat your better, care for you better than me, but in the end, if all this people leaves you. I will always be the one standing there with you." I am always just a call away from wherever I am.

Sincerely loves you truly from my heart. I love you always Ashley. Forever and ever my heart will be yours. Till death approaches me. I will still love you eternity.. My love to you will be more than thousand years and all the thousand years to come.

Take care and hope you have a productive day today. Remember all the fruits and rest more and stress less OK!!

11th Day of Recovery

Hi baby, Good afternoon. I was extremely busy for my big project for FIFA. Really crazy preparation after coming back from Penang. It was tomorrow. I can't write much now but just to tell you how much I misses you and thinking of you even on a busy period like this.

I love you baby and although busy, I just want to tell you that you never left my mind and you are the reason why I am working hard building my career.

I love you always and forever. If you need anything, I can always leave my career just to be beside you.

Take care and have a nice working day. Please drink more fruit juices for your heath.

The end of 10th Day - Happiness within the mirror

I am finally back to KL after a tiring 4 hours drive. Next time really I will take the flight or bus back. Anyway, throughout the whole journey, I keep flashing back the memories of us together. "Bu hao yi shi, qing wen yi xia ni zhi dao taxi zai na li ma?" Translation, "excuse me, can I ask where the taxi is?"

I still remember until today that was the first sentence that I have said to you. Then our first meal, first date, first kiss, first everything. All the memories flashes in my mind with smiles on my face. This is true love. Able to let go and still smiling whenever thinking of the happy moments with you. And the smile came from my heart directly.

I watched "together" with my friend in the cinema yesterday night. I guess you must have watched it already with your friends or him. It was not really a good movie but it has some values that reminds me of you. The part where the girl is sad and she went to a class and the comedian was trying to make her laugh. He asked her to look into the mirror, and while look into the mirror, she was asked to forget all the sad memories, and only think of happy memories, then you will have a smile that comes from your heart. At that moment, my thought was only with you. And I smiled while watching that movie, not because of the movie, but because you brought happiness into my life for 10 months. And watching that movie just keeps reminding me of the time we spend together. Although it was short and we did nothing much but mostly staying at home rolling around the bed, but it was the best moment ever. I wish to have eternal life with you like this but of course, I couldn't hope for more now except for your happiness with the one you love.

Although it ended, but the memories will last forever within my heart and my mind. I never appreciate your love and you in the past. But I will appreciate all the memories that you have left behind for me.

I will always remember that you are once mine and have sacrifised so much for me. I will never forget this and will appreciate my present and future and keep our memories safe within the memory box in my mind and heart. No one can delete this memory from me.

I love you baby, always and forever you will remain in my heart. I will be with you whenever you needed me in the future.

Take care and goodnight. Hope the sweet dreams will always be with you. I just hope to dream of you and our lovely kids again tonight. I miss you so much. It has been very long since we last seen each other. And your things are still with me. I am just waiting for your 1 message for me to pass it back to you. Remember to take care of your health. More juices and have regular medical check up. Forget all the unhappiness in your life and just be happy now and forever.You deserve a guy better than me. I am more than happy to have let you go.

Have a good working day tomorrow. God bless you and your family always.

10th Day of Recovery

Today is the 10th day of my recovery process. I just came back from collecting my grandma's ashes. Finally the whole ceremony is done. I will be going back to KL soon and busy the whole week with my FIFA event.

The whole recovery process was going really well so far. Although my love to you will never leave me, but at least, I am not like last time anymore. I still think of you everyday from time to time and in the morning when I wake and at night. I never gets bored looking at our photos. You will always be my reminder of how a girl should be treated and how we should present our loves to them. I will always keep this in mind and be a good bf and husband in the future. To be honest, marriage is a lifetime commitment for me and every time I think about it, only you came into the picture. With my imagination on our lovely and wonderful kids. This few days, every time i carry my nephew and cousin, I am always thinking of you and our future kids. I know this is just a dream, but a dream I don't want myself to ever forget and hope to keep on dreaming about it whenever I fell asleep.

I may look stupid putting all my love on you and ignoring all the other girls around me, but to me, every thought about you is worth it, every sec of my love to you since the day I saw you until now is never wasted. To love someone so deeply and truly is also a kind of blessing and to be able to once feel your love and care is a kind of gift from god to me. I will always remember the sweet moments we once shared and bring it to the future.

Baby, I will always love you and hope the best for you. This blog will always be kept active with daily postings about my life, and how much I misses you.

Love you always my baby ashley. You are forever my gem and the best girlfriend i ever had. I am sorry I disappointed you numerous times. It's time all those bad past be forgotten and just remember your happy present and future with him. I will keep our memories alive here just in case when you are unhappy and wanted to read something. I will always be here for you 24 hours a day. Never going to leave you alone forever.

Have a lovely working Monday and hope all your wishes and dreams about your work and future job will be prosperous and happy for you. Take care. Hope and wish all your targets are met. Please take care of your health and drink more water and fruits.

Miss you so much Ashley!!!

The end of 9th Day - Great night with friend

Had a great lunch with my family today. The kids were just wonderful and I feel happy playing with Yee Xiang (my sister son) and also Oscar (my cousin). Both of them are very cute. And suddenly it reminded me of Mason, Jayden and also Kingston. I really misses them very much now. But don't know when I will be able to have the chance to ever see them again.

Anyway, after the lunch, we went back home and I prepared to go out with my friend for Chap Goh Meh. At least I still have friends here. We watch movie together and supper together. After that we went to Precint 10, to a bar called Soho and just sit down at the outside and have drink. Came home around 4am. It was really tiring. But enjoying outings with them.

Wonder how you are? Lately, keep thinking of you even though I am in Penang. But don't worry too much about this. I think I have let go more than 50%. I never feel so much pain anymore thinking of you. Just misses you a lot.

Need to wake up at 8 am later for my grandma ashes collection ceremony. Can't be late for that. So I can't type too long in this.

Baby, I still loves you so much even though so many days have passed. But it's ok. I will always love you like this and writing it on this blog. I will never disturb your life again ever again. I always from the starting of your relationship with him, hoping the best for you and him happily and never cursed you at all. Just as long as it's your decision, I will always respect it.

I love you always baby. Forever and ever you will always be in my heart. I will let go of you eventually, but not the love I had for you as it will always stay with me. I will enjoy my single life with friends. You enjoy your life with him and when get married, please remember me. Goodnight and sweetdreams.

Below are the photo of some of my cute cousins. It was so hard getting them to look at my camera as they were all kids. Lolx!!

I love you baby. Have a good dreams as the angels will always be at your side ya...

Happy Chinese Valentine - Ashley

Today is Chinese Valentine. I just want to wish you Happy Chinese Valentine my beloved baby (Ashley). Heart shape 99 red roses to represent my everlasting love to you. My love to you will last for as long as we still see sun in the morning.

I love you forever. Sorry I couldn't send anything to you because of your bf. I hope you and him will be loving forever and stay happy always. Hope you enjoy yourself today.

Take care and have a lovely Sunday.

Sometimes I still have this feeling - Hui Hu Xi De Tong

2 months ago, when we broke up, this feeling was very strong. Until when you had a bf only I started to let go slowly and accept the reality and fact. But sometimes, this painful feeling is still there. How I really wish we could start all over again. But I think, it's all just a dream now.

I love you baby and always and forever. Just let me alone take all the pain.

9th Day of Recovery

Another day in Penang. Going to find my grandpa later after an hour and pray. My grandpa also pass away few years back. After that, free and easy day for me until tomorrow morning where we will collect my grandma ashes and bones and put into the jar.

I will visit some friends this afternoon to catch up. But I still have lots of pending works to do. So tired actually. Really really tired. Why did I screwed everything up? If you were here, then at least you can share some of my burdens with me. Relationship, family, work, all this 3 really killing me since the first day of the year. But don't worry, I never blame you for the problems I have created with us. For now, as long as you are happy. Even love you like this is good enough for me. Nobody knows that I still love you so much and keeping this blog active and looking at our photos and videos everyday. Nobody knows about it. All my friends and colleagues thought I have gotten over you and forgotten you.

Guess my acting skills are really good. But today is Sunday. I shouldn't be so emo again. I have promise you that I will live my life to the best in order not to disappoint you and change myself for the best of you and me. I am a completely different guy than you know earlier. Not completely different. Daughter still here. Just the characters you don't like because I finally understand how to make a relationship last and loving always. I don't have the chance now and in the future but understanding it makes me feel good enough. At least now I can understand it better on how to keep a relationship alive.

I will always love you and hope and pray for your happiness always. Whenever you face any roadblocks or walls in your life, remember, you can always come to me. I will have no questions on your past and will accept it openly and just lend you my ear and shoulder and accompany you until you go thru your hard times. You are never alone even though everyone else left. I will be here baby. Always and forever. Your guardian angel.

Take care and have a good Sunday with your friends, lover and family.

I love you always and forever my beloved baby Ashley.

The end of 8th Day - Super exhausted + some photos

It was really a crazy day for me. Have stayed awake for more than 40 hours now. After dinner with the family and crazily babysitting the for the whole night. I have put some photos up here for you to see, if you still view this blog once in a while.

The funeral ceremony - sending my grandma off

 Below are some of the photos of my cousins when we have our dinner at KFC. Sorry, the quality of the photos are bad, i didn't use my DSLR camera. Just using the Iphone and the kids are all moving around, running and screaming like mad.

My nephew - His name is Oscar

Sedang Merajuk - so many ppl looking at him

My cousin is the smaller one. He is scared of my nephew because he is bigger size but both same age!!. But my nephew wanted to hug him.

My mum's side family member. Big right. Still got some on the right can't take all. The one standing with dots on her shirt is my mum.

My another pretty cousin

Nephew and cousins playing

She is camera shy. Another cousin

Another boy cousin

He is very cute and at 2 years old, he can speak and talk in English!!

It was really a tiring night. But ended up quite well. At least my mum is ok. After the dinner, I went out with my friends for a drink as they said I seldom come back and need to go back soon. So I just drink and when I am home, I was too tired and just lie down and fall asleep. Forgotten to write this post earlier.

Anyway, my words in all my post area nearly the same in the end. I just hope you enjoyed yourself today and Sunday as well. I always misses you and wanted to see you. But I know that it will never happen again. You have your own life now with your new bf.

I wish you all the happiness and just let all the sadness be with me. I love you always my beloved baby Ashley. You are always forever in my heart and mind.

I love you forever and ever. Have a good rest.

My grandmother is no longer here

Finally the whole long ceremony has ended. I am so damn tired. Looks like a zombie now. My grandma was lift away at 3pm today after the whole ceremony started at 2pm. We had a long walk to somewhere where we boarded the bus to the place where my grandma will be burn into ashes and laid to rest forever.

Before 2pm, my mum cried so badly and my heart felt so sad and pain seeing her like this. She was unable to accept her death at the last minute. She keep crying and have no energy to stand at all. She nearly fainted. But luckily we hold her up and walk her away. Sigh.. Life is like this. Ups and downs always and we can't avoid life and death. I just feel so sad at that time. And all of us cried when they finally wanted to close the coffin for delivery and final ceremony.

It's now nearly 7pm and I just reach home and never slept at all. Need to bath then head out for dinner with the family members and my grandma left some stuff for us which will be divided later during the dinner. I will miss you so much my beloved grandma. It's not until the very last minute that all the memories of us flashes in my mind that you were always caring about me and worry about me whenever I come back to Penang. I really misses you now. I should have come back often to see you and accompany you whenever I have the time. Anyway, at least she should be happy now.

So, how is your day today? Shopping? Hanging out with friends? Hanging out with him? Movies? Drinking? Or some outdoor activities? But whatever you do, just do it happily ok. As long as your happy, then I will be happy. I also missed you so so much.

But whatever love I had for you now can only be the kind of love that I can dream of in the future. Just hope for the best to you and your family. I love you always my beloved baby. Looking at our sweet photos and videos again. This memories will definitely last forever.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the night. I have taken some photos of the funeral but not sure if it's appropriate to even post it up. Will choose the photos that you can't see my grandma face or any of my family members face. To avoid any "pantang".

I love you forever and ever Ashley baby..

8th Day of Recovery

Good morning!! I am like a walking zombie now. Feeling so dead and lifeless. Has been staying up whole night till now. And after driving so many hours back Penang. Guess after the cremation, I will sleep for the whole day.

Yesterday whole night, I keep looking at my grandma coffin and her face. She look very peaceful and I am happy for that. At least really no more sufferings anymore. Played with my cousin. Can you believe he is actually my cousin!!!! Sigh, I am a very old cousin for him. The other one feeding him is my cousin too..

Anyway, my same old basic habits, in the morning I am surely looking at our photos for a while. Same before I sleep. But of course, I didn't sleep whole night and just working, accompanying my grandma, and looking at our photos.

I miss you so much. How are you going to finish your weekend? I hope you have great activities for today and tomorrow. Enjoy yourself today. I love you so much. I wish you were with me now. We are nearly 1 family. Guess, things are always not in our control.

I love you so much my baby Ashley. Time definitely never reduce my love to you or stop me from thinking of you. I will always and forever be with you secretly and patiently waiting for you. Careful in the things you do and always take care of your health ok. Stay healthy and pretty always.

The end of 7th Day - Tiring journey and keeping our memory forever

I reached home and have done the prayer for my grandma. Will be cremating her at 2pm later. Had my dinner at my house and headed straight to my grandma house. Tonight going to be a long night for me as I will be staying up whole day till after the cremation. My work will never be done. Last time, no matter how busy, I still spend my hours with you at night. I notice how wrong is that because I never thought about your freedom at all. Thinking back about it makes me felt guilty that I have taken away your freedom.

Anyway, just now when reaching penang bridge nearly had an accident. The stupid white car next to me bang onto a motorcycle in front of me and nearly causes him to fall. Luckily he can hold his balance. If not, I think i will bang straight to the motorcycle when he fall. So scary. Stupid car. Just came from beside and turn so fast without braking. Damn no brain. I don't want to be a killer.

Along the journey keep listening to our favourite songs. Burned them into a DVD and just keep playing. It makes me feel relax and happy when thinking of you. I finally can let go of the pain that once plagued and haunted me for so long. Now, I don't think of whether we will get back or not anymore. Just thinking of whether you are happy with him or not. The rest, I just leave it aside and focus on myself instead. I finally can control myself not to message you or disturb you. You know it was never easy. Especially when there is message, I keep hoping it's you although I know basically, it's impossible.

But anyway, glad that I am recovering slowly. Now all that's left of you in me is just the true love and also the sweet memories you have left behind for me. Although it's a short 10 months, but it's enough for me to remember for the rest of my life. I am compiling our love life into a story slowly and make an album out of it. Writing stories along the way. People might think I am crazy and you might think this boy is so childish doing things like this. But 10 years later, you will think differently. Memories fade if there is nothing to be seen, pictures got deleted accidentally, phones got stolen, external, pendrives and laptops got corrupted and everything gone. What will be left is just the hard copy of memories and this blog which will stay for a very long period of time. Thanks for being part of my life even though it's a short 10 months. I feel really happy although you don't.

Today is gone and tomorrow is a new day for me again to go thru. I think I am doing fine for now. This year is definitely a crazy year for since the first day of it. Bad things never stop coming. I hope this will be the last and after this, things will go better for me and everything will be smooth.

I also will pray for your smooth journey in your life with him. May you both live happily ever after lovingly. I may not be the one but I will not be selfish in my love to own you. You should have your own happiness and I shouldn't do anything to stop you from finding it. Now that you have found it, I really feel happy for you. I hope that you will treasure the people around you. I will just be here waiting for you and will be here for you when everyone else left you. You will never be alone for sure.

I love you always and forever. Will always pray for you and your family. Goodnight my dear Ashley. May sweet dreams and happiness be with you always. Take care....

Dream Marriage - Dylan & Ashley

My dream is always to marry the girl I love very much. And it happens to be you. The girl I met in the bus. 2 months ago, it was never a dream. But now, everything is just like a big dream for me. You were the best gf I can ever asked for in every way. Despite you having a bf now, I don't mind loving you like this and I started to feel more relax from the love I had for you.

Dream is always a dream. I just hope that you can marry the guy whom you really loved very much.

Take care my baby Ashley. Forever my one true love.

7th Day of Recovery

Good morning... Later will be another tiring journey back to Penang. To see my beloved grandma for the final time before she was cremated and finally can rest in peace and happily with my grandpa. I will miss you definitely and sorry for couldn't come back earlier. Too many works in hand and there is 1 special event with FIFA next week. Really stress.

Despite all the crazy dramas and politics happening in the office lately, I am glad that I decided to leave and just have a break in my life before starting everything all over again. I just wish I could share this with you. I really wish my life evolves around you. Nothing is definitely more important than you. I will protect you for the rest of my life. That's for sure.

After you started with him and it's one week now that you both are officially together, I realise that whatever I said is actually true and not just temporally feelings. I am really in love with you. But just couldn't do anything. My sincere hope is really to see you happy with him and just wait for you. I know you will never return and possibly very happy with him but I couldn't care much. I just can't open my heart and go after another girl. Not even the possibility of doing it. I am really tired with my life here in KL. I made few wonderful new friends but they were just friends in the end. Nothing more than that. You are still part of my life. This statement is really true;

It takes a sec to have a crush on someone, a minute to like someone and an hour to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

If you truly fall in love, you will never forget him/her. And you will never try to erase those memories or even replace it because just nobody else will be able to give you the same feeling that person gives. Even though my friend are very kind to me. Massage for me, cook for me, keep accompanying me, but they will never give me the feelings that you once did.

You may have already forgotten me by now, forgotten our love, accepted him and love him fully, our things, videos of our photos, our songs, and things might be slowly buried into the inner part of your unused mind and heart. But even if you forget me one day, and even if you walk pass me one day and unable to recognise me, I will still love you until the end the world and my life.

I hope you don't think I am crazy, or insane anymore for loving you like this.

I will always love you forever and ever. Have a nice day and take care of you meal and health. Remember to eat and drink more juices. Please follow up on your medical check up and with Dr Delaila. She is a good Dr. Ask him to bring you go please. I want you to be very healthy. Have a good working day. Weekend coming. Enjoy yourself.

The end of 6th Day - working 16 hours

Crazy working day for me today. Work non stop from morning until now. And still have not finish my work. I need to drive back to Penang tomorrow for my grandma funeral. Help me. Let me finish my work please and have a good sleep at least. I don't want to die on the highway.

Too many works and the dirty politics in my office has just gone into new level even though my boss was fired. He made some serious and crazy accusations on me. According to my colleagues, I can actually sue him for defamation and report to the police. The exact story was not appropriate to be told in this website. Hope nobody else read this or I will be dead. But seriously, I am very tired with the work and together with politics. It's just crazy being involved with it directly from such a low level like me. Anyway, I am not paying much attention to this.

While doing my work today, every hour I will still take out your photo and browse for a while. Somehow, looking at your photos give me the strength and also courage to survive and move on. To finish off my work and relax and enjoy. But too bad, the workload is just too heavy. I misses you so damn much. I guess today is the day with the least post. Only 2 post per day. But that doesn't mean my love to you has lessen or I stop thinking of you. Just too many things to do and unable to cope with all the changes.

I really was thinking of what you are doing, what you are eating, and so on. But most importantly, even if I have so much thought of you, i just feel no more pain. Probably I am already use to the village life. Hope you guys enjoy each others company happily.

I love you always and forever. Really hope to go on trips with you and just relax myself from all this crazy politics. I wish you are still with me supporting me.

My baby girl, I will always think of you before I sleep and think of you when I open my eyes the next morning. My first post and last post will always be about you. Goodnight and sweetdreams.

6th Day of Recovery

I am really exhausted now. I feel like exploding and bursting. Where is my love and support? I need your support now at this time. Relationship, family, work, friends, all not in a balance line.

My work has been so busy since yesterday and today. I need to go back to my grandma funeral!!!! Will have to keep rushing my work and hopefully it can be done at the end of the day. While doing my work, I still keep thinking of you and once in a while in the office, I will take out our photo and just look at it. It makes me smile sometimes just looking at how sweet and playful we are when we take the photos in my room. I miss that feeling so much.

You must be busy with your work too and fighting your sales target. You will be able to achieve it. I have full confidence in you. Gambatte my love!! You are strong and never give up. Make sure at least you hit a quarter before you leave and show to them that you are a fighter and not somebody who will give up so quick. I will always support you quietly through this blog.

And your health, I hope nothing serious or any complications on your health. Hope that things are going fine for you and that you are happy and smiling always. Hope that he is treating you really good and you both are lovingly together.

I miss you so much and soon, we might not have any chance to see each other. But nevertheless, I will always pray for you and your family and love you from a distance. Love is never selfish. As long as you are happy, I will be happy for you.

Take care my baby. I love you always and forever.

The end of 5th Day - Again 4 am

Just got back home from supper with my colleague, Cai who came back from Singapore. Before this, my friend accompany me for dinner and also until I meet with Cai which is nearly 1am. I still can't open my heart to anyone.

Had a very tiring day today working and also dealing with the unthinkable stuff which is you and my grandma. Luckily I still have friends that will follow me thru. I understand how they treated me. I showed them some of my photos as they wanted to see it. They say I was very photogenic in some of them and if I put it in my WeChat, sure can attract many adds. I feel funny. Told them that all the photos were edited by you. Don't worry, I never showed our photos to other girls. Just my solo photo as they wanted to see.


I will need to go back Penang soon for the cremation and funeral. Hope that I don't fall asleep on the highway. Really tiring for me in this 2 months with this less sleep daily. I am too tired to even blog properly.

I just know that I still misses you so much. How are you doing? I hope you are very happy with him. I faces lots of challenges in both my personal and also working life. I just hope that time can really eventually lift all the unhappiness and provide me with happiness.

I love you always and forever Ashley, even though you already don't love me. You will always forever in my heart occupy a large piece of it. My pain and sufferings will be the symbol of my love to you. Because without pain, I will never knew you are so important to me. Far more important than my own life.

Take care!!!

Miserable life

How are you now? How's work? How's the doctor? Guess now you're complaining to him everyday about your hospitals. We use to do all this together. Are you really happy?

I am not happy. Never happy since the day you left. And got worst since my grandma was diagnosed with cancer and now passed away. Although it is good for her that her pain is finally over but losing her completely is just heart breaking.

I just hope I can see some bright futures ahead of me now. I don't know what will happen after March. Maybe a good start. Maybe I will still be missing you even though thousand of miles apart. Why do I have to fall in love? Why do I have to love you so much? It is really painful just thinking of you. But I never regretted the 10 wonderful months spent together. Girls no longer attract me. Even sexy and pretty girls no longer take away my sight. I am just blindly thinking of your image and looking at our photos daily.

I hope one day, my heart can be open up to others. And to feel happy again. Being in such miserable life doesn't help me at all. Who will know and understand me and my pain? Will you understand it? Can you help me?

I really wish that all this incidents can be rewind and back to 2 months back before I said break up. I should have said I come and fetch you and just stop fighting with you. Knowing all this now is just too too too late.

If not, at least my grandma would be happier and I can hold your hands tightly and tell her that your grand daughter in law is here and she is very pretty and kind hearted girl. And we will get marry soon. This would fulfill her wish on me. As the eldest grandchildren. Now, this will never even happen. Will you break up with him if you know that you still love me? Will you do that if he didn't do anything wrong? Maybe you will but most probably you won't. And I am just thinking my thoughts again. On the things that will never happen. I hope you never read my post anymore. I hope this will just be my thoughts only for me to read back in the future. Sigh..

Just wait Dylan. There is nothing you can do after all the messes and catastrophe that you have created and come upon you. All you can do, Dylan, is to just wait for the miracles in life that will change your next course of action. Always believe in miracle and you Ashley. You are my first miracle and you made me realise and notice true love and what it has done to me. It changes my life completely and made me into another guy whom I never thought I can be. You make me eat vegetable. Which is the rarest for me and almost impossible. You made me eat prawns, seafood and other things I never never never thought I will even taste it. Thanks to you. I will never forget that and my love to you.

I will be going back to Penang soon for the cremation and also the collection of ashes on Monday. I hope that after this, my grandma will protect me and guide me to a happier and better path be it with or without you.

I love you always and forever. And if one day, you really miraculously return to me, I swear and promise god that, I will be different and treat you the way you always wanted. And never take you for granted anymore and appreciate you always. This is just my thinking sadly. How can it even be possible now. It might 6 days ago before she accepted him. Now.... It is just a dream..

5th Day of Recovery

Today definitely not a good day for me. I just lost my grandma yesterday and my boss is a little pushy about the event next week and very worried about it. I am beginning to lose confidence in love. Yesterday a friend of mine was very good to keep me company. And keep trying to cheer me up. But my mind was all about my grandma and also you. Of course I didn't tell her that I am still thinking of you. People thought that I am slowly getting away from thinking too much of you.

No one knew about this blog. This is the only place where I can express my emotions freely without worrying about anything. The days without you is really hard to pass by. Although I smile everyday when I meet people and I do my work in the office, who knows that deep inside, my heart is bleeding badly. On bad days like this, I just wanted 1 person in this world to go thru with me, not my friends, my other girls, but just you.

It's already 8 weeks and it still feels like first day of breaking up to me. My love never lessens even a little bit but instead, the loneliness grew. I knew that we would never get back together. I knew that sooner or later, I would have to let go. I knew about all this. I just hope that my grandma above will give me strength and courage to overcome this. I miss you terribly grandma. No more lobak and no more curry chicken for me when I come back.

Whatever it is, everyday I still pray for you hoping that you will be happy with your life now. And repenting what I have did to you in the past. I love you always and forever.

The end of 4th Day - It's 4 am now

It's 4.15 am now.. And my heart feels so empty now. I lost 2 girls I loved so much. What karma have I done in the past? Will this painful torture ends now? Or will it continue?

Grandma, I miss you so much. I will never see you again. Never ever going to.

Ashley, I miss you so much too. I know you will not see me anymore too for the time being. You are happy now. At least in much better position than I do.

My mind and heart now is all blank. Can't think. Pressure from big boss for my event next week. Argh!!!!!!! Please release me from this torture!!!!!

Life is really short, tresure those people around you before it is too late. I tried to appreciate you again but now will never be given that chance anymore. I can only love you like this forever while wishing you happiness with him. I don't want you to worry about me anymore. Just go on with your life with him. I am sorry that I send you this message. I will not reply to your message anymore except if you wanted me to drop the things to you. Just let me alone endure all this painful sufferings.There is nothing I can't take anymore.

Grandma, you will always be remembered and I will always think of you. Please rest in peace now. Your painful sufferings are gone. Please bless me so that mine will be gone too.

I love you always grandma and Ashley. Don't view this blog anymore. Enjoy your life happily with him.

 Good night and sweetdreams to you.

My beloved grandma passed away today

I am just lost of words and emotions to describe my feelings right now. My grandma loves me so much when I am young and never hit me before and always pamper me with the things I want and need. She never failed to care for me every time I see her even until I am grown. She still thinks that I am her little grandson. Always ask if I have eaten enough, got enough money to spend, want to buy food for me, especially my favourite food. And always make lobak for me. She knows I like her lobak very much and chicken curry. Every time when I am back to Pg, she will make a whole bunch of lobak for me. And my auntie and mum will fry them up for me everyday when I am in Pg. Together with chicken curry. She would cook a big pot for me and with lots of potato.

She is in much pain ever since she is diagnosed with cancer. But I am glad that the pain is now over and she can happily reside in heaven. She will have a better place there with all the good deeds she has done in her life. This is the only happy thing I can think of right now. Her pain all gone.

You are the first girl I share this message with when I receive it from my mum and cousin. I really don't want to trouble you but I just couldn't stop myself. And thanks for all your messages. I truly appreciate it and wanted to reply but I just feel that, since you have a bf, I don't really want to disturb you anymore. I still love you very much and to be honest, I really hope you could be with me now. My grandma wanted to see you so much and keep asking me to bring you back. Now, she will never have this chance.

The beginning of this year, until today, really not a single day, I am happy. First, I lost you (the girl I loved so much), now I lost my grandma. What's next? Please take my life away if you wanted to torture me like this. Car accident, poison, or whatever. Just find a way to take my life out from my body.

I really don't know what else to say. Life is so fragile. Anytime it can be taken away from us. Appreciate the living person and the person  whom means a lot to you and you will never find another chance if they are gone.

I love you always grandma. And I will always miss you. Ashley, I love you always and miss you a too.

Rest in peace grandma.

Our conversation today

Weird day for me today. Busy like mad. And boss rushing me like mad. But suddenly, I receive text message from you. In a way, I have always hope that the messages that came in is from you. And you just made my day.

How can I be happy with another girl. They will remain to me just as friends. How can I even move on so quickly and engage with another new relationship. My words never change. I can have a lot of girls around me, but I will never choose them simply because a large part of my heart is occupy by you and the rest by my family members. Tell me, how can I keep other girls in my heart?

With you, I have special memories I can never forget. The first time we meet, how we talked, how we hang out and how we got together.. With them, it's just introduced from friends. Nothing special at all. And through time now, we are just friends and I am comfortable with them as friends and nothing more. The things that they have done for me, will only be treated by me as kind to me. Nothing more than that. It touches me but not my heart. In order to let me fall in love, you have to first touches my heart. In this sense, you really did well because your first smile to me not only touches my heart but took it away with you. If you can find this feeling elsewhere again, then you find your true love.

For me, it's all over and what remains is just fragments of memories for me to remember and keep forever. Girls, I don't really need them. I am comfortable being alone as long as I have you in my heart and memories that I can take out and think once in a while. My promises to you is still there wherever I go.

I don't know if you are really happily in love with him but I hope you are. You are his girl now. And to be perfectly honest, it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I won't lie to you about this. I feel so much pain just by thinking of you and him. I have to hide this feeling behind my smiling face.

I love you always and take care of yourself.

The most painful experience

Actually if you came to think of, what breaks your heart the most? What kind of pain the most unbearable? Is it the time when you broke up? Is the time when she ask you to let go and forget her? Is the time she scolds you like mad and keep barking harsh words? No, even those feelings are not comparable to the ones below as I have experienced all the above. 

The most painful lie in the world is wishing the girl you love so much happy with someone else.

The most painful sight in the world is seeing the girl you love so much holding someone else.

The most painful feeling  in the world is knowing the girl you love so much is already attached to someone else.

Tell me, what else have I not experience before?

Ashley&Dylan - HK - You are not alone

4th Day of Recovery

Reached office late half an hour. Had a good sleep yesterday. At least first time I can sleep till morning. Guess I am coming back to life again. But when I wake up, I still think of her and look at some of the photos she sent to me. Still misses her so much. Wondering how she is now?

Bought 2 packets of nasi lemak for breakfast. So hungry yesterday night till now. Wanted to head for supper but it was too late.

Anyway, thanks for the photos again and your comments. Really appreciate it a lot. But sadly, I can still feel hatred in it. Guess it will never go off for the time being. But it doesn't really bother me much anymore since I the both of you are together now. I just wish you can be happy with him. Although I really wished that you could understand me more instead of judging me like this. But it's ok, I understand you are also saying the things base on what you see and feel about me. I don't blame you.

Guess I have to forget the Japan trip with you and find an alternative on your side of the ticket. My dream is still to go to there with you and to enjoy a memorable holiday again with you just like in Hong Kong. I missed out the Maldives but guess will again miss out Japan.

My grandma is seriously ill now but is still holding on. I guess waiting for her other son to come back to see her for the last time. There's nothing I can do. So my mum said just work and when there is anything will let me know.

Take care and have a nice day today. Wish that your work and relationship is at the very best for you. And less stress for your work and have a good quarter today. Hope that you can find your new job soon as I know it's hard to work in the same company with him. Please have your medical check if you still have not done it yet.

Love you always..

The end of 3rd day - Ashley, read the last part

Finally, the end of the 3rd day of recovery. Things going well for me. Had a wonderful night watching movie with my friend. Thanks for the time spend. You need to wake early but still watch movie with me until so late.

This movie is so damn funny. But just like my expectation, it is just too fake. Sigh, other than that, it is a good movie just for some laugh. I think you must have watched it earlier with him.

Work is not fun anymore for me. Javad keep pushing me on my work and see me 3 times today just having meetings over my next few projects. It is really crazy but in the end, he showed his true face to me by asking me if John called me to talk about anything. And ask me to be careful not to be use by John. Javad says he got my back if anything happens. Pure bullshit. I will not be used by any one of them. Anyway, at least my bad day was compensated by a happy outing. 

Ashley, the following message is just for you only. 
  
First of all, really thanks for reading my blog. I never knew you were reading it all the while. But really thanks. And hope you can finish reading this part and maybe don't follow my blog anymore. You already have a bf. I totally understand this and no longer hope anything with you. I am just a third party now.

Secondly, please don't misunderstood by my Japan trip posting. As I never thought you would read my blog, thus I am just saying out what I feel but I don't really hope or ask you to go with me. Of course it is crazy when you are already attached. I will never and won't allow you to do such thing at all. You just stay happy with him and ignore my postings here. It just represent what I feel but not the reality. The reality is very clear to me and 100% clear that you have a bf. I will never put hope on us anymore. At least not when you have a bf. And I don't want to be the reason behind any of your problems or misunderstandings with him.

Thirdly, I am really sorry again for the threatening and mental torture I have given you in the past 2 months. Please don't keep that in your heart. I never really meant any of the words I said to you and never take any actions on it at all. Not now, not in the present and never in the future. I am sorry again sincerely. You can revenge on me it's ok. I will take it openly.

Fourthly, I don't understand what you meant by WeChat. I totally don't understand. I create another user? i only have 1 user and it was already block by you. If you think I created another user to add you, then you just think it that way. I will admit if it's me because tell me, at this stage when you are already with him, what else can I do? Get back with you? I am not that naive or childish to think that you will return to me after being with him. Anyway, don't really need to say anything about this.

Lastly, I never intended to return the things slowly to you 1 by 1. True enough, some of the things I intended to keep it. When we broke up, you ask me to return you everything. I pack and I left some of it out. Not intentionally but some I have to admit yes. I only have 1 reason behind it. Hope of seeing you more times and hope of getting back with you again. Because you repeatedly tell me that you and him is just friends and colleagues. I believe you fully. That is why I am keeping some of the things. Not because I don't have the heart to return to you. But my heart longs to see you more. And this is the only way I can do that. If not, tell me, what reason do I have to see you on the 25th January? No reason at all. If you want to hate me for wanting to see you more and loved you so much. Then you can hate me. I am not afraid to tell you that, yes, I really love you and yes, I admit keeping some of the things and slowly return to you because I put some little hope on us getting back together. Now, you told me 3 days ago that you and him officially together. I have already packed everything that belongs to you and not a single thing left which are not yours anymore. Including rubber band, panty liners, kotex, facial cotton, every single small things that belongs to you. Is already in the LV paper bag. I will not keep anything anymore. Hate me for as long as you like. I have no bad intentions on you nor purposely make you angry. I will leave the time for you until end of March to decide when you want me to return it to you by putting it inside your car. I won't force you to see me if you don't want. Even if we never see each other. It doesn't matter. Before I leave, I will pass everything to your friend. I will never throw daughter away as I have given her to you. You can either take it from your friend or you can ask her to throw it away. At least I never throw daughter from my own hand. And to be honest, ask yourself, if in the second day of break up, i returned everything to you, do you think I will still be having this blog with over 100 postings now? I think you won't even see me anymore or hear from me again. If I really do that, it meant that I really don't love you and just wish you to leave faster. That's my thought but it may not necessary be yours.

Thanks for fulfilling my last wish. You worry too much and never trusted my word. I will never send you a single message on your mobile anymore. I will just write things on this blog and it's up to you if you want to read of not. But better don't. You have a bf and just focus on him. Nothing left on us except for my love to you which is not important for you to know. Is it really important for you to know if I still love you? Since 3 days ago, I never put hope on us anymore. So don't worry if you send anything, said anything or do anything. Because in my mind, you are already someone else's GF. 

I will still love you but i never expect to get back with you anymore. Just let time decide everything for me. Maybe it will heal, maybe it will still feel the pain, maybe others will come in, maybe I will be alone forever, but whatever it is, I will just do what I feel right everyday. Be it writing on the blog, go out with my friends, hanging out with new girls, or just staying at home. Whenever I feel is right, I will just do it. 

Thanks for all the photos. It was important to me. Take care and have a nice day. I will just wait for your message about your things. This is the last bit of it. I just want to make sure no more things that belongs to you with me anymore.  My love to you is blind and true at the same time. That's the truth whether you choose to believe or not. In the future, things are still the same for me, you are my priority and if you wanted an ear or shoulder, I am always just a call or message away from you.

Goodnight. It's nearly 3 now. Have a sweet lovely dream with him.  

PS: you have a lovely flower from him.You must have a very lovely and memorable valentine. I saw this on your whatsapp when you unblock me. Guess you told him about the flowers i send to you as well. it's good to have no secrets between the both of you. But remember at least 1 secret you must keep. This blog. thanks.. 

Lastly, I just want to tell you, never in a day, have I not regretted the things I have said bad about you, and the harsh messages I have sent to you causing all the mental tortures and painful experience for you. I am really sorry for that. If you hate me still, I will not blame you. You have all the right to do that. I am sorry.