I just got back from the beach walking alone taking some photos of the scenery. On the way, I saw many couples walking around, having fun, hugging, kissing, and doing all sorts of things.
Can you imagine the pain I am going thru now? Have you felt before so much pain in your life? For 6 long weeks now. This pain has never left me. And I believe, it will stay for another 6 weeks, or another 6 months, or another 6 years, until the day you return. I just want to ask you, can you really feel my pain?
Do you know how painful I am each day thinking of you. While you may be busy with your work, or finding new work, and being with him all the time, I am here crying myself to sleep, waking up after another hour, rolling to the side of my bed, hoping that you're next to me so I can just give you a hug and a kiss like I always do. Remember the time when we use to play around on the bed. I really misses it. Not only that, I wanted to stop myself from all that wonderful yet painful memories but I can't. You may be able to keep that memories beautiful because you have another to care for you and you can open your heart for him but I can't open my heart for anyone for as long as you remains in it. And I don't even know how to remove you from my heart in order to accept others.
I tried so hard in the last 6 weeks but failed miserably. The more I tried to forget you and remove all the memories away, the more I remember things that we have done and the sweet memories about us. And now, I have given up trying to forget you because I just simply can't but at the same time, I can't ignore you as well or just let things roll by its own. As long as you're still in my heart, I will always love you and never let go or give up on us.
I am not sure how happy you are with him. I really wish you could tell me the truth. I really hope you read my blog and all my postings here. And I really wish you read this one. Can you tell me if you and him are really happy together? That you and him are creating memories far better than us? Can you tell me also, if you and him are really together now? Have you officially accept him? Until now, all this questions have been bothering me and giving me the pain all the time. I keep thinking, are you going out with him almost everyday like how we use to hang out? Have you been to his house before? Did you also leave all your things in his house?
Actually I may have hundreds or thousands of questions about you and him but in the end, it all sums up to only 3 questions that are most important. Are you both together? If yes, are you really very happy being him? And lastly, do you love him or just being with him because of his sacrifises and the things he has done for you?
Baby, if you really wanted me to move on with my life and reduce my pain and all this thoughts I have. All this curiosity. All you have to do is to send me a text message replying to my 3 questions above. If all the questions are positive and you are happy with him. I will still continue to update my blog but at the same time, I will try to reduce the pain I have by constantly reminding me, Dylan, she is happy now and in love with him, please, let her go and give her your blessings. You can love her from far but it's time you move on with your life.
Always, the truth of not knowing, is the most painful truth a person can ever go thru. Imagine, that you are in all this doubts, and then one day, while walking on a mall, again, I bump into you. But this time face to face, with you holding his hand. If you were me, and still so much in love, how would you have felt? I can tell you, the pain will be so immense that tears will keep rolling down my eyes just like the time I saw you in Midvalley with him. Tears coming down while talking to him and I cried for hours in my friends house.
So I just hope that you could shed some lights and tell me the truth. No doubt some truth are really painful but I think it is best to hear it from yourself and get prepared than seeing it with your own eyes.
I love you always, if you ever return to me again. I will not say much to you. But just will tell you that everything is going to be better and the best for you and our relationship. I will not let you cry anymore. That's all I going to say. And I don't need you to explain anything too because I just need you to hold my hands like you use to do in the car and let me sing our favourite cute songs for you. Daughter would be glad to sing it for mummy. And lets us move forward and forget the weeks of unhappiness.
Baby, I am looking forward to that day. I don't know if it's even possible or not, I just hope and wish for the best. I love you always baby. Forever.
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