I wake up to the call from my mum. I told her I am extremely busy with work and unable to join them for CNY this year. I will go back in April after the last day of my work in my current company. She is very upset but she tell me to take care of my health as always and eat more. She will be really sad knowing I lost 4 kg in the last 6 weeks. I am now only 52 kg from previously 56 kg.
Everybody in the world will think that why am I torturing myself like this. Why can't I move on? It's not like I don't have a career, money or the look. It's not about any of this. It's not about any girl. It's the girl. The one girl that means the world to me. There is no replacement to the feelings and moments she gave me in 10 months. I tried very hard to let go and forget but I just can't do it. Every time when I wrote all this, tears will drop. How many person in this world actually understands how I feel? Understands the pain that I am going thru? She might understand this. Because I make her cry too many times. Because of the words I say, because of all my actions, because of all my restrictions. She cried to the way I treated her and for not having trust on her. In the end, because of my stupid mistakes, I lost her forever. She is not replying to my messages. Which means she hated me very much.
Everyone now busy preparing for the reunion dinner and happily with family members including her and have a good sleep. But I slept at 5.30 am and wake up at 7.30 am. And again unable to sleep. I am still in KL while everyone else is on the way back to their hometown or already back. I am crying again now. I keep crying. The pain is too much to bear. Just too much. The thought of her with another man. Their messages together. "I miss you and you miss me. I love you and you love me." Is just unbearable. How can I even control my feelings and emotions when the only key to unlock my heart was actually thrown away and the spare key is with you. The moment your smile touches my heart, you already took it away with you. Even if you give me back my heart now, it's just an empty heart without your love in it.
I have just sent messages to both your elder sister but I think they were all still very angry at me. Like what I say, only you can calm down the fire they had. Your words to them about me previously already created a big negative impact and I am very truly sorry and regretted my actions but it's too late. It's just too late according to you. I really hope it's not. I hope you can return. I am willing to wait. I just hope that when you return to me, I am still here. That I still have the courage and will to survive to wait for your return.
This is the worst CNY for me. Although I am facing it alone. I hope you have the best out of it with your family and friends. I am sorry for everything I have done and sorry alone can't save anything. That is why I am using my whole life to prove it to you. Although I will cry alone every night to sleep and feeling depress, but I will still wait and love you from a distance until the day you return. This is all fate. This is all destine to be like this. I am destine and fated to go through this painful experience.
I love you baby fore. Have a great CNY eve with your family and friends.
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