The end of 2nd day - a night outing alone at 1Utama

I spend my evening at 1 Utama today. After coming back from the office. Not much work done in the office as usual due to day dreaming and keep reading love stories and finding quotes that inspires me. And not to mention keep playing back our video album and putting up post on my blog. I just couldn't stop my hand from keep pressing the replay button. Luckily no one was in the office today.

Right after that, just left to 1 Utama and walk alone. All along, I have been doing things together with you, shopping with you, walking with you, hand on hand together but today, i just realise what it felt by being alone again. I had dinner alone today at one of the korean restaurant. Looking around me, is couples walking past, groups with friends, families or colleagues. I have friends and colleagues. But I realise, without you, I don't even have the mood to find my friends or colleagues. I just realise that all this while, you have been the pillar of strength for me, the girl whom I fight my future for, the girl whom I wanted to marry, whom I wanted to die for and the girl who supported me and suffered serious painful experience for me for a period of 4 months. Now that you have left me, I feel lost and lonely. No other beauty in this world is enough to match the feelings you once gave me.

I walked past Sushi Zanmai, I walked past the places we use to eat and I purposely choose the place we never been before to have my meal. Everywhere I go, there are memories of us. I walked past a row of baby shops and I think of Jayden, Mason and Kingston. I walked past cotton on, forever 21, I think of you. And finally, I decided to watch a movie to try and kill time. I bought hotel deluxe. I guess you must have watched it maybe with him. We use to watch all movies together. I got the ticket and when it's time to enter, I just walked into the cinema, and it was the first row and only 7 seats in the first row on a small cinema. 6 of them were occupied by a group of couples and friends. They bought 6 and left my seat and before I came in, they were already taking my seat thinking that nobody would be foolish enough to watch this movie alone in a festive season like this. But here am I, looking so awkwardly at them and said, sorry, this is my seat. Of course, they say sorry and awkwardly move back to their seats. Wonder what they would have said behind me? I don't care much. My mind again is all about you when i watch that movie. Some of the scenes reminds me of you, of our days together.

I realise that you were no longer here anymore with me and will never come back. Now it's sure that you will never come back and already with him and staying together. Heart felt really pain. But i promise myself to stay strong no matter what. The loneliness and emptiness in my heart has never felt so real since we broke up. Until you accepted him. Then only I realise how fragile love really is.

If I would have the chance to see your earlier, to meet you more often and do more things for you, instead of giving him more chances to come near to you, I think maybe there is hope. But you wouldn't let me go near you.. Not even text or call. This is all because of me and the things I have done.. This is all fated. To test my love.. And true enough, that

"Love doesn't count on the laughter that you shared but on the pain and tears you tried to get over with just for the sake of holding on."

You will never realise true love until you understand what pain in your heart really means. You are happy now being loved and pampered by another man. Maybe you will not understand the pain of seeing the person that was once with you and loved you being with another man. And the pain that you need to endure knowing that you can't let go of the person who has already let go of you. That's the pain I am feeling now.

I no longer put any hope on our relationship as I know the moment you accepted him, that is the day you officially let go of our love. I may be wrong in judging you like this but if it happens to me, you would think the same way too. 

Since now that everything is clear, I wanted to tell you that, since we broke up 2 months ago until now, not a single day have I not regret what I have done to you in the past and how much I wanted to show you the changes in me. But every time I tried to cool and relax, I will see things which i am not suppose, or hear things which I am not suppose. It's really hard to control what I will write in anger. I am really sorry for the words I use and say. But what I failed to do, is to convince you that, if you really return to me, I will definitely change for you and even better than before a thousand times. I no longer care if you would stay with me every night as family is more important. And I no longer care if you go out with your friends 7 times a week as I know you will spend time with me as well. And I no longer care if you wanted to learn your hobbies and favourite activities because I will happily do it with you just like how we both learn how to make cookies. The most important point is that, I can trust you completely because you have chosen to give me another chance if you came back. I will never bully you or hurt you again as I feel the pain now myself. I failed to convince you and let others take care of you instead. 

I tell myself repeated since Friday that, you have moved on, then I have to move on too. I will try. Even though I know the roads ahead will never be easy for me in the days to come. I love you always. Stay happy and loving with him. Goodnight.

People always say that if you never fight and give up, you are a loser forever. But if you fight, you will win the battle in the end if you never give up. GOD, can you tell me, if this battle I am fighting now, even have any chance of winning in the end? Or I am just fighting a losing battle. I hope you could hint me in my dreams.