It's already 4.30 am now. I arrive here in Penang around 1 am. Notified some of my friends that I am coming back and we went out to have some drinks. My mum called and said that I have to go back and when I reach, she told me that in the afternoon, my grandma was in critical stage and nearly gone. But she hold on because my mum told her that I am coming back. I fear that once she see me tomorrow, she will be gone. I am very sad. I wanted to see my grandma straight away but couldn't. Visiting hours are over. I can only see her tomorrow at 11 am.
I told some of my friends about this including you. But I think probably you will read and just ignore this. Or probably you will feel sad for me but doesn't want to reply me to give me hope. Because of him. I know that now, you are more committed to him and trying to forget about me and our love. I jut couldn't prevent anything about this. I am sorry that I wrote to you about my grandma. I know I shouldn't have. Really sorry. I don't have my laptop to write anything up and during that moment, I just want to share my feelings out and the first person I think of is you. That's why i wrote to you. I misses you so much. I really hope at this moment of dire needs, you will be here with me. Your presence just simply gives me the strength and courage. It's all impossible now. What was a reality few months back has become only dreams that I wish could happen.
Today, while having drinks and chatting with them, I looked at the time and it's 3.30 am and most of my friends are all girls, they are still there. While their boyfriends, god knows where. Suddenly I just thought about you going out with your friends. I just realise that I am the lousiest boyfriend in the whole damn world. I shouldn't have even called you the other day at 3 am. Definitely I will never do that anymore in the future. Again, no more chance but it can be kept as a lesson for me not to repeat things again and give freedom to the person you love even though you are meant to be protecting them. But never cage them.
Finally I am now back to my room after 1 long years. I am suppose to introduce you to my parents and discuss with them about my proposal in march which I have told them earlier. But everything went sour now and plans gone haywire. I can't blame her except for my stupid self that all this disasters happen to us. At least you have found the other part of you that makes you happy, which is him. I am happy for that although it feels so much pain inside me.
I will visit my grandma tomorrow and will post a photo of my grandma here to keep reminding me of her. I never kept any photo of her. This is the time I do so to remember her forever. After that I will be back to KL again. And depart to Maldives alone. The ticket is still open and will remain open for you. I have made a few promises to you that I will never break forever. Time will tell. Although I said before that I wishes to give up and wanted to let go, but in reality, can I do it? I think in this 6 weeks, it clearly tells me that I can't. No matter how hard I try.
1. I will never leave you alone whenever you needed me and will always guard and protect you even if you no longer love me anymore.
2. I will always love you forever even if you no longer love me.
3. I will change my characters and attitudes and learn to appreciate you even if you are not with me anymore.
I think this promises once fulfilled is enough to make me into a more mature and trusted man. I will never forget that I have made this promises to you. You can be with him and happily married. But you also will always have a guardian that will be there for you whenever you collapse and in pain. Remember this, I will never ever leave you alone in pain and in need of someone. I may hurt you in the past, but I will never hurt you in the present and future again.
Have a nice day. I hope all the bad things will be over soon for me. And hope for all the good things to be continue on your side. Love you always.
No comments:
Post a Comment