Am I an asshole, crazy, insane, idiot, or whatever? Am I? I never hurt anybody physically. I say nasty words when I am really angry. I curse when I see things I am not suppose to. And I make my own assumptions because of the things I see. I saw you holding his hand, naturally I will think that you are both together. It will be the same if you saw me with another girl. I circled your house sometimes and notice that your lights were off and you always told me that you are afraid to sleep in the dark unless someone is with you. You will always open the yellow light to sleep. And again, I made my own assumptions naturally because of the things you say. Sometimes, I am right and sometimes I am wrong. Your guards sometimes told me about you coming back very late. I don't know why they tell me that, maybe because they already sense it that we are having problem. I am not a stalker. A stalker follows you around wherever you go. I just will come to your house and wait there. Almost all the time only at night. Because of my terrible insomnia. You might not understand that I am really having bad sleepless night since we broke up till now. What can a person do in the middle of the night with so many hours? Naturally again, I know you won't reply my message, talk to me, or even meet me. So I can only drive around at night to see if you are home. I have no intention, I just want to know if you are together with him.
I just want to say, I did all that because I am in love with you. And because you are ignoring me completely and never wanted to see me for me to explain. Not until on the 25th Jan that we sit down properly and talked. If we did this earlier, we wouldn't even have to go thru all this pain. But this also teaches me a lesson, that when you truly loves someone and you let her go, if she return, she is meant to me yours, if not, she was never meant to in the beginning. If you really love me, you will teach me a lesson, you would do a lot of things to make me in pain and suffer, but you will still love me. You said yourself that true love will never disappear and in the end, it will only be you who will continue loving me even if I don't. Just less than 2 months, you had another relationship. I don't blame you for that. I just blame myself for doing less to retain you and at the same time loving you so much. I don't know which is true and which is fake anymore. All I see in front of me is a happy and loving new set of couple, forgetting about past relationship and started a new one.
I don't know why I wrote this post even after it is confirmed that we will never get back and it's already too late. Love to you can come and go so easily. Can a person love 2 people at the same time? I really don't know. Can a person kiss another person whom they don't love? Can a person kiss 2 person at the same time because they have 2 hearts to love? For me, it's all over. This love is over.. You can never kiss 2 guys at the same time with 2 hearts to love. You can either love 1 and the other left as memories. Mine has turn into memories.
Only my love to you remains. Only my heart remains loyal despite every single episode of painful experience that happened. If other guy, what will they do? Will they come back? Will they still hang on? Will they continue loving you like I do? I am not afraid of losing the battle. Love is never a battle. True love is unconditional. I love you for who you are. I never intended to change you. Just that we don't have enough communication and creates some kind of misunderstanding and lead to huge arguments and fights. I am childish in saying stupid things when fight. But that doesn't mean that I will really do it. Our first few months was really sweet and I thought you wanted to spend time with me. I misunderstood that. And after you had disease and you were force to stay at home more and I accompanied you everyday after I back from London. I thought we should spend more time together after everything that happens and the prophecy about 2012 ending. Although it was merely prophecy but I do have a little degree of believing it. I made mistakes that was actually avoidable. Last time, I never stick to my gf so much like how I stick to you. I made terrible mistake in this. I am just trying to say out my heart although I know it is too late now.
If we don't fall in love, how can we even be together in just 5 days? How can we have such intimate feelings like we have known each other for so long. True enough we don't have time to understand each other, but through time, we did. But I don't have enough time to really show you how much I actually appreciated you. Not until the day you left and never return.
I am sorry for saying all this out. I have been keeping this for so long and wanted to tell you but I know you will just regard me as an idiot who puts the blame on you again. I never, I blame myself for all this and blame myself that you eventually fall in love with another guy. A person in love is never crazy in the things they do. You have to understand this. I never said the things my ex do is crazy at all.
My previous ex in Subang, you know, I have made an appointment with my friend outside but she is so paranoid about me having another girl outside for nearly 10 months that she keep my car keys and lock the house. She doesn't even want me to get out of the house. She even does more crazy stuff to me like pulling me back and taking all my documents, hide my laptop and even my access card. I never thought her as crazy because she just loves me too much. And I blame myself for not loving her enough and giving up on her. I tried leaving her many times but I failed because she won't let me take my luggage out of the house and of course, car and house keys were all kept. I left her finally after few months of struggling like this after she went to Korea for a vacation and I refuse to follow her to Korea. She went with her dad instead as the tickets were booked. And I just left her when she is not around and leave a note. The real reason I left her is not because of the things she do. I never thought that it was crazy but mainly she loves me too much. And I am very sorry for her. The real reason why I left is because she has betrayed me before and I can't stand the feeling of having her back when she is with another guy before. I am ok if that guy is before me but not during my time with her. It's just weird. After she returned to me and I accepted, actually our life was not normal anymore. We were not that intimate as I am just kinda tired and feel no mood all the time. This goes on for more than half a year until I no longer can accept it anymore.
I don't know why I said all this. I just want you to know that I am not crazy. I just love you so much and the things I do never harm you but my words might. I know mentally I have tortured you enough for you to let go of me. I never blame you. Naturally people act base on instincts. Just like you will avoid when people try to slap you and you can feel it. Or people that you don't know running towards you, you will run in return. Everything I say and do, is base on previous incidents that I have seen, heard or read. I am sorry that it has caused you so much hurt mentally. But I never mean it.
The best example is actually Fong. I never blame you and him but hear out my part of the story. You know where it all started. When you first texted him and saying all kinds of things about me and her about how I never let you do this and that. And secondly, you lied to me about your trip to Kuantan. And thirdly, you deleted the messages about you and him although it is nothing. If you were me, what will you do? Enough said about this and I trusted you fully after listening to your explanation. But after broke up, the day after, he send you back. If you were me, how would you react? I don't have the intention to curse you and all that but think, what would you say? Maybe you won't say anything and just break up completely without looking back anymore. But I didn't and in the end, it was me who explains again in the car and you getting mad at me for accusing you. I just say what I saw. If you saw me holding other girls hand or other girl holding my hand, what is your first reaction? And after that keep denying that you both were not together. Although that is true but still, after seeing it, can you be so sure? That's y sometimes I will drive to your house. And keep trying to source information about you and him. I am not trailing you or spying on you. But just want to know the truth behind all those.
I just want to tell you that I too have reason behind everything I do to you. Just like you have your reason why you lied to me and delete your message with Fong. For me, I never blame you and accepted your explanation. But for you, I am crazy. I just want to say, I am not. I am just an individual who has deeply fallen in love with you.
And everything is already too late now. I am sorry again for saying all this. I just express my feelings and never wanted to blame you. I didn't. Just wanted to let you know what I am thinking.
I wish you and him will really be happy and he is your true love and you both will be happily married and have beautiful kids. You know you are not young anymore and you said you won't have kids after certain age. I just wish you all the best in your career and health.
I will fight this battle alone without you. Take care my love.
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