Heart pumping moment - when i saw you again

It's Valentine Day's eve. Work has been always crazy for me since the day we broke up. And things have never been going the way it should be. Before we broke up, I plan for valentine trip, anniversary trip, proposal after the trip, preparation for marriage, getting a new house, buying a new car, making you a lady boss with your own career. ALL within 2013. But the only thing I regret is really not doing enough to keep you. Not understanding all your needs, not giving you enough freedom and worst, not trusting you and always saying the wrongs words to you. Even if I can be the man you need now and change, it's already too late, because you have chosen the man that has never hurt you before and at the same time, can fulfill the things you wanted which is freedom and trust. You no longer trust the guy whom you have once loved because he has not only once but twice and thrice hurt you deeply with words and lack of trust. I really regret this in life. We should be very happy and loving but because of me, I lost you and everything I once had, your family, Jayden, Mason, and Kingston.

Today, on the eve of valentine, I see you again. While I am driving to you, the song thousand years was on the radio. I still remember this when I first gave you the bouquet of 99 red roses and 1 yellow rose because on that night, a thousand years was also on the radio. For me, this is not a coincidence but also not a sign that you will return but just merely the sign of my love to you.

When I reach, I was walking down a long straight hallway full of people staring at me. But I am not embarass of that sight but when I reach TGI, I felt so nervous while texting you that my hand was shaking so badly. I am thinking, what will happen if you see me and how should I react after so long. All this thoughts. And when finally you were here, I felt so nervous and my heart was pumping so fast. I wanted to look into your eyes but I keep trying to avoid it without me realising it. I have so much to say, but no words came out from my mouth. I keep smiling because you smiled and I know you wanted to leave. I actually was holding back my tears when I saw you, as I was avoiding your eyes because it gave me a really hard heart to leave again. I felt in love with you again. And behind the happy face you see in me, actually lies a thousand sad faces waiting to just come out. I cried inside the car while driving back. Why can't I just let you go?

If you notice from the flower, it has a fake rose that will never fade away. That represents my love that will stay with you forever even after all the other roses are dead. No matter how badly you hated me, or all your love to me is gone.. Or this blog will become a desert that me alone will see, I will still continue to write and my heart will still continue to love you and I will still continue to learn how to be a good man just in case you return one day. You will have a totally different man for you if that miracle day ever happen again.

I missed my flight to Maldives. But I guess this is also fated. Money lost can always be replaced. Once the love is lost, it can never be found. But my love still survive and if ever you needed me, the love will always be there for you. It has never and forever will never close it's door for you. If I go to Maldives, I might cry myself to sleep every night again or even be really depress. I guess now, I just have to take care of my grandma and see her as much as I can. I will be back to penang tomorrow while you have a good time with him for Valentine.

My only wish now after all that happens in the past, is only for you to be happy and smiling always. If you can keep that and I happen to know, then I will be smiling and laughing too although my heart still bleeding and trying to recover from the broken pieces.

Have a great Valentine today and although you have stopped messaging and replying to me, I won't keep disturbing you anymore. Life is short, as long as you enjoy it. Then I will be happy wherever I am. Just keep in mind that I will always be around you even though physically I am not. But my heart will be. Daughter and I will always be there for you. I love you forever. Baby, you look very pretty today. I wish to give you a hug so much. I know I can't anymore.