Miserable life

How are you now? How's work? How's the doctor? Guess now you're complaining to him everyday about your hospitals. We use to do all this together. Are you really happy?

I am not happy. Never happy since the day you left. And got worst since my grandma was diagnosed with cancer and now passed away. Although it is good for her that her pain is finally over but losing her completely is just heart breaking.

I just hope I can see some bright futures ahead of me now. I don't know what will happen after March. Maybe a good start. Maybe I will still be missing you even though thousand of miles apart. Why do I have to fall in love? Why do I have to love you so much? It is really painful just thinking of you. But I never regretted the 10 wonderful months spent together. Girls no longer attract me. Even sexy and pretty girls no longer take away my sight. I am just blindly thinking of your image and looking at our photos daily.

I hope one day, my heart can be open up to others. And to feel happy again. Being in such miserable life doesn't help me at all. Who will know and understand me and my pain? Will you understand it? Can you help me?

I really wish that all this incidents can be rewind and back to 2 months back before I said break up. I should have said I come and fetch you and just stop fighting with you. Knowing all this now is just too too too late.

If not, at least my grandma would be happier and I can hold your hands tightly and tell her that your grand daughter in law is here and she is very pretty and kind hearted girl. And we will get marry soon. This would fulfill her wish on me. As the eldest grandchildren. Now, this will never even happen. Will you break up with him if you know that you still love me? Will you do that if he didn't do anything wrong? Maybe you will but most probably you won't. And I am just thinking my thoughts again. On the things that will never happen. I hope you never read my post anymore. I hope this will just be my thoughts only for me to read back in the future. Sigh..

Just wait Dylan. There is nothing you can do after all the messes and catastrophe that you have created and come upon you. All you can do, Dylan, is to just wait for the miracles in life that will change your next course of action. Always believe in miracle and you Ashley. You are my first miracle and you made me realise and notice true love and what it has done to me. It changes my life completely and made me into another guy whom I never thought I can be. You make me eat vegetable. Which is the rarest for me and almost impossible. You made me eat prawns, seafood and other things I never never never thought I will even taste it. Thanks to you. I will never forget that and my love to you.

I will be going back to Penang soon for the cremation and also the collection of ashes on Monday. I hope that after this, my grandma will protect me and guide me to a happier and better path be it with or without you.

I love you always and forever. And if one day, you really miraculously return to me, I swear and promise god that, I will be different and treat you the way you always wanted. And never take you for granted anymore and appreciate you always. This is just my thinking sadly. How can it even be possible now. It might 6 days ago before she accepted him. Now.... It is just a dream..