Everybody seems to be on the holiday mood and busy preparing for Chinese New Year. She is probably happy with her family now and is very happy with him. Life to me seems very dark now. Almost impossible to see light beyond this darkness.
I wonder if she will ever message me again or talk to me. I wonder if she will ever love me again. I am almost out of words to write. The only thing I can think of is her. I just hope that if she is reading all my post every single day, it means that she misses me and think of me. But it also mean that she is just checking on whether I said anything bad about her. I know she is very afraid of me. Afraid that i might go crazy again and simply threaten her again. I am not that kind of guy at all. I will never hit a girl let alone really threaten her or hurt her.
Life still goes on, god, if you are listening to me, please give me a hint on what I should do. It breaks my hearts terribly and even in pieces, I still felt the pain. I just hope that if she read all this, she could tell me her real feeling and her real thoughts. If she is happy with him and wanted to be with him only. I hope she can tell me. I hope she can message me and tell me.
Chinese New Year this year is the first year I skipped going back to Penang. I have never done that before in the past 26 years. But this year, the pain is just unbearable that I have to stay back here. If I go back, I know I will cry everyday. When my parents ask, when my relatives ask. I just don't want to go thru all this again. Thinking of everyone getting married and happily together even yourself, gives me the pain.
Why do I have to fall in love? Why does the ending have to be like this? My heart is dead without you. While everyone busy celebrate CNY, I will be alone here in KL enduring all the pain.
I wish you happiness if you are with him. One day, when all this is unbearable and when I am so depress, I hope it's still not too late to see you one last time. I understand now why people kill themselves over love. It's not because they are crazy. It's because they have found their 1 true love but were not able to be together. And the pain is so big that it's really hard to hold on. I am holding on now. I will keep holding. And I hope I can keep on holding on for myself and for us.
I love you always. I am sure you understand how I feel now.
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