Thinking about what happen just few days ago about the accusations I make. To be honest, is my character really this crazy? I think I have carefully chosen my words and never said the wrong words. I just don't understand why I am being regard as this. I am really sorry that things turn out like this. And again I might have disappointed you. But I believe that when you look at me, when you look at my sincerity in the future, you might know that I actually love you very much and if we are going to be together, none of all this would even happen.
I have said to myself the basis of trust when being together. But of course now is really different because we are not even together. I know there is nothing much I can do now as I keep on screwing things up over and over again with the hope of being together with you. I really mess things up really bad with you. I think it will take forever to patch things up and maybe not even a single chance to do so. But I am still willing to wait for you just to show you that I truly love you. Right now at this moment, i guess in your mind, Fong is the one that can really take care of you and mature enough for you. But I really doubt that is this love or just someone you really feel comfortable with like what you have said. But either way, if you have decided to be with him, I really can't do much except to wait and to just guard you from far. I will build up my wealth and my career so that if you ever return to me, you will have a comfortable life.
You know, you always said that I have a crazy character always spy on people and check on you. To be completely honest, I have never done this to any of my ex before. Never. I really don't know why I have done this to you. I also hope that I can walk away and just go on a new life. But after 4 weeks of not seeing each other and when we finally met, I realise that it was love when we both cried in the car. When we both can't let go. And all the messages. I understand your difficulty, you were scared of me that you will get hurt again. You also afraid that your parents might say no and reject strongly. You are also afraid of what your friends might think of me when you bring me out. To me, love is all about your happiness, friends comes and go in your life, parents will leave you one day. But the only people that will stay forever is your spouse. Your other half. Your partner. It's important to be with somebody who can make you smile forever. Whom doesn't need much effort but will make a big impact in your life. I realise that the moment I hug you and see you again after 4 weeks. If you really hated me, I guess when you see me, you won't have all this thoughts. I am sure that it is love that you had for me and again for it to disappear overnight after our last met 1 week++ ago is totally impossible. I know all the words you use to me is just like before. You use it to make my heart break so I can move on. Maybe you already moved on. Maybe you are trying to move on. Maybe you are trying to fall in love with him. Maybe you already fall in love. But to me, you are my only love and I can never forget you and fall in love with others again. Maybe this is why I did all those crazy things to you. I have never done that to any of my ex. Even my ex that I love so much after being for 5 years.
Maybe ours is true love. Maybe this is a big test for us. Maybe god and everyone else is testing my patience and how true my love is to you. I don't dare to think. I can only act on it hoping that everything would be alright. Baby, I never had the intention to insult you. If I really wanted to say and mean what I say, I would have been consistent and keep mocking and attacking you and will leave you after that. But I never did. And baby, you keep telling me that I follow you around. Actually not, I never followed you around. I am not that crazy. But just sometimes, I don't know what to do, I drive over to your house to see if you're around. That's all. I just missed driving over to your house. And do you know that actually by doing that, I can waste at least half hour of my time. With you gone, my time is really hard to go thru. I hardly sleep, I ate fast food everyday and I hardly can concentrate on my work. But luckily I still can sustain my earnings on my stock. But baby, I never seriously meant to insult you. It's just words that came out but not the exact thought on my head. If I ever meant it, I would have left just like how I scolded my ex for betraying me for nearly 2 years. I know you never betray me at all. I know. But also, you know I will feel pain and hurt because it is just bare weeks after we broke up and you are becoming so close to him. If I happen to have another girl in less than few weeks, I believe you would curse me inside your heart as well and said that, luckily i never got back to him, so fast got a new gf. But I never try to open my heart at all because I wont. Words said are powerful but without action, it means nothing.
Just like my boss, and my big boss, they always said they will back me up and provide me with the best career I can find and training and raise in salary and all that. John even mention that he will give me USD1.5million. Do you think he will really give? He mention that many times, that he will protect my career and future and will guarantee that my life will be protected and secured. But does words alone mean anything? No doubt it can be tempting and hurtful if the words are being abuse but it doesn't mean anything if no actions are taken. Different than contracts, words in contract means nothing without signature.
What I am trying to say is that, I might said hurtful words, but I am not crazy. My action clearly says I am not. Going to your house is not following you but a way for me to spend my time and ease my sufferings. I can't see you. the only thing I can do is drive around and see if you are around. I don't know because I feel much better if you are around. But I know, most of the time and night, you will be out. But that doesn't matter really. I have to accept that you have lots of friends and your outings with them will make you happy. I have already accepted it long ago and tried to show you the changes. But I know I won't have the chance.
Sigh, all this explanations, I just wish you could understand. I never never never in my life wishes to hurt you or even leave you. I am tied to you. My heart is yours. You are my everything.
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