Yesterday, I made a delivery of fruit juice to her house. I thought her parents have actually forgiven me, but I am wrong. Maybe they have to say that they forgive me so that I can stop. After all, they are just worried about their daughter. They asked the delivery guy not to deliver anymore and not to receive my money. She texted me that her parents were worry that i might put some spells on it. Immediately after reading, I felt my heart no longer there and again, tears came rolling down my eyes so badly that it wouldn't stop for the next hour. I don't dare anymore to reply her. I will just put all my feelings and thoughts here. I don't have the courage anymore to face her. I suddenly realise that, everything is gone. For me, my life that I have known for the past 1 year, is gone. And it can never come back again. I lost my heart. I lost the passion to live. I lost the only person I care so much. And in the end, I am just an insane crazy people so desperate for love that people misunderstood, I will use spell to gain back her love. Her parents could think me like this, I hope she could say something nice about me in front of them. But even if she didn't, I won't blame her. I deserve this for the things and words I have said. Even if I wait, will I even get her back? I don't think so now. Even if I waited forever. I can sense that she must be very happy with him now. Her life is all around him and they hang out exactly like how we used to hang out everyday. It was sweet. There's nth I can do.
But I will still only love her. And no one else. Everyone around her might think I am a crazy psycho and insane guy including herself but I know myself I am not and I will just continue loving her. Even though there is no love in return. My heart is totally gone now. And I really have no sense of living direction anymore. With everything I have now, all I need is just you. But I know, forever you will not return anymore. I just hope that I will not collapse, I will not breakdown, I will not go into state of depression, but there is one thing for sure I need to do. I really need to see a dr. For the sleepless nights I have. I am very depressed now and all my colleagues saw that. They say I will enjoy Bali today.
You know which Hotel I choose for our conference hotel? I choose Melia Bali hotel, the hotel you stayed. I made this decision in Dec. And now, I have to endure the painful experience while having my meeting there. I remember giving you 15 flowers there to apologies to you.
Who in this world can understand the pain I am going through now all alone? Everyone asked me to let go of you and love someone else. Everybody says that there are plenty of girls out there and if needed can always intro to me. Jaeyong and Cai can intro their young colleagues to me who works here at the international bureau for CCTV and KBS and some girls working in the embassy. My pg ex came looking for me and the worst part is my 5 years old ex also suddenly texted me and said that she broke up with her ex and came to KL looking for me. Yennie introduced some of her friends to me. It just doesn't work. I can't open my heart no matter how sexy, pretty, tall or cute they are. I told myself, that this time, I am really doomed. I fall in love so deeply that I can't pull out of this mess.
I hope somebody can share this pain with me, I don't know about your life now, but I am guessing that sometimes, you will feel sad as well when looking at our pictures but overall when you are with him, I believe he can make you laugh and forget me. It's funny that the things you do for love can be regarded as crazy, insane, psycho and to the extend be mistaken as someone who will resort to sorcery and love potions in order to gain back that person. No matter how desperate I am, I will not use such black magic and dirty tactic to gain back you. That you can be relieved and rest assured. I buy things for you, I do things for you, I go to house sometimes, I texted you so much, but that doesn't mean I am crazy. I just loved you and misses you.
I think after all this dramas in the past 6 weeks, there is nothing I can do now, except to love you quietly and to let you live a peaceful life without me. I hope you will be happy for him. I won't message you anymore as I am now afraid of the consequences of doing it. I guess love is like this, always so painful but you will not feel love if you don't feel pain. All the other feelings might just be happiness, comfortable and relaxing. But when you feel you're in pain, then that's when you're in love. I guess all this sufferings for me will remain until god knows when. And I am going to be alone going thru this.
I love you baby.. And I will still keep to my promises because I know I can't stop loving you. My heart is already lost. I hope someday, someone will find it and return to me. And I hope it is you.
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